Do you remember the “Real American Heroes” commercial series by Budweiser in the late 1990s? It had an awful-but-catchy jingle and was a ridiculous serenade to the Average Joe for just doing what they do.
Well, this is my version of that, but it’s not to Mr. Chinese Food Delivery Guy or Mr. Bowling Shoe Giver-Outer (yes, those were the actual subjects of the Budweiser jingles).
It’s to YOU, lady:
The Mama Who DIDN’T Lose Her Sh*t Today.
Your kid greeted you in his usual fashion — staring creepily at your bedside, like a figure straight out of The Children of the Corn. But did you leap out of bed, screaming, “GAH! GET BEHIND ME, SATAN!!!”?
No, you did not. You got your understandably startled self out of bed and fixed little Damien his breakfast.
The Dumbest Fight of the Day — But Wait, There’s More!
At the breakfast table, the kids were fighting over who got to drink out of the lone Star Wars cup. There used to be two of these cups for this exact reason, but apparently the Dark Lord of the Sith has gone AWOL. Did you scream, “FOR THE LOVE OF THE FORCE, JUST DRINK YOUR FLIPPING MILK!”?
Yes you did — but only in your head. In reality, you plastered a Stepford smile on your face and settled the stupid argument like the boss that you are, knowing with 100 percent certainty this will not be the most ridiculous argument you handle today.
When your youngest stripped naked and peed on your husband’s flip-flops, did you stick his nose in it, the way people train a naughty puppy? Nope! You gently reminded him “We pee-pee on the potty” and then, as you disinfected said flip-flops, offered some silent gratitude that at least it wasn’t your shoes.
You didn’t lose it when you were declared Least Favorite Butt-Wiper
When your child hollered to you from the bathroom, “I NEED A WIPE!!!” You may have thought “I can’t believe this is my life now,” but you faithfully reported to the bathroom for wiping-duty.
When that same child informed you that he didn’t want you to wipe him, he wanted Daddy, you didn’t cower at the thought that you are now not even first-choice for wiping someone else’s rear end. Instead, you calmly offered a choice: accept Mom’s assistance or wait on the potty for six more hours, until Daddy gets home.
When your oldest got home from school and offered you exactly zero information about his day, you resisted the urge to email every teacher for a run-down. You fought your desperate desire to pepper him with 42,000 questions until you got your answers. You didn’t scream “I BIRTHED YOU! TELL ME WHAT YOU DID ALL DAY, DAMMIT!” You played it cool as a cucumber and waited for him to offer you a few little morsels, even if those tidbits were only “snack and recess.”
Your Me Time Became Their Time And You Didn’t Lose It Then Either
You survived the hellscape known as the witching hour, which brought horrors too unspeakable to recount here.
You cooked a nutritious dinner for everyone to hate.
You completed the marathon bedtime routine, complete with infinity tuck-ins.
And now, here you are. You’re so close to enjoying your Candy Crush and Netflix on the couch you can almost taste it! This is going to be so awe–
“Mooooooooooom!!”
You scream at the top of your lungs, “MAMA DOESN’T WORK HERE ANYMORE!!!!”
— Just kidding! You think about screaming this, but you’ve held your sh*t together all day long, you’re not going to blow it now. You can do this.
You complete tuck-in number infinity-plus-one and retreat to your couch.
The day was rough, but the scary thing is it wasn’t that out of the ordinary.
Since becoming a mom, a lot your days are like this. Each day brings a new level of crazy that you previously thought could not be topped.
Still, you keep it together, mama.
And for that, I salute you.
*****
This article was originally published on That’s Inappropriate/Filter-Free Parents.
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